So last night I was so tired that I didn’t really post much. As I am sitting here at work with not much to do I thought I would make up for that.
I am still so tired that if anyone were to move too quickly I would probably cry. I am passed the fun tired stage. I have entered and may settle in the emotional stage. Yay for all the luck souls around me. :)
Yesterday was a hard day. Spencer wasn’t doing well at all. He was stretched out on the loveseat that is in the kitchen with his feet propped up on another chair. I sat there and said hello maybe 4 times before he looked at me.
His eyes that have always been such a nice blue green color are now gray. There is no spark behind them. They look so flat. He was physically there. That was all. He was looking around the room not grasping what was going on. There was color and some spark in his eyes just a few days ago… this has made me weepy. It was all I could do not too full on ugly cry the whole time I was there last night.
His cousins came to see him for about a 45 minutes. I sat in the kitchen. As much as I love spencer’s family I would have started crying. After everyone left I sat with Spencer in the living room until it was time for dinner. He would stare at things like he’d never seen them before. When I asked him what/who he was looking at he would say he didn’t know. I really think that the vail is thinning.
Spencer has a hard time gripping things with his hands. He needs two hands when he takes a drink. He doesn’t understand why he is taking his meds. He just knows he has to. Its more habit than anything else. After he had his meds he ate. I’m glad that he is still able to eat.
Spencer and I sat at the table for about 20 minutes after dinner was over. He was holding his head in his hand. He was very quiet tonight. He looked at me and asked me why he can't just die. I started crying. I told him that I was so sorry that he had to suffer through this but it will pass.
When I walked him up to his room he told me I had to get a ride home. I love that he still tries to take care of me. I love him so much.
He wasn’t saying much. I know he wasn’t understanding much. I also know that he will have a perfect knowledge soon. That he may not get it now but he will. I talked to him. I acted like he was understanding every word that was coming out of my mouth. I reminded him of sweet things he would do. I reminded him of things we talked about after he was sick. I sat there in tears as I went over everything we have ever talked about. I went over the forever we had planned. The kids names we picked out. Fun memories he has helped me to make. He didn’t say anything until I got up to leave. I told him I love him and he said he loves me too.
Sam gave me a ride home. Sam said he would let Spencer know I was home safely when he got back.