Tuesday, October 29, 2013

1 Year Later

October 18, 2012 - I was getting ready leave for the weekend. The Boise Temple Open house was going on that weekend.  Had he been feeling up to it, he said he would want to go. As the time got closer to the event, we knew that he wouldn't be able to come with me. ) I reminded Spencer that I would be gone for the weekend.

October 19, 2012 – I got the oil changed in my car. I picked up a hat and eye patch at the store. I was going to make Spencer be a pirate with me for Halloween. At 3:00pm I sent to his house. I kissed him on the cheek, told him that I love him and that I would be back on Monday to see him. He was asleep. He was snoring cute little baby snores with his mouth open a little. He was so cute. I wanted to go see my family. I also didn't want to leave Spencer. I was so scared for this trip.

October 20, 2012 - One year ago at 5:40am I received a phone call from Spencer's Mom. She informed me that He had been called home. I just sat on my brother Ryan's couch crying and in shock. I spent the next couple of hours calling people in my family to update them. I can't even fathom what was happening at the Hales House. I know what I was going through but I can't even begin to know what they were going through.
I was so thankful that I was with my family when everything happened. I wouldn't have been able to handle anything if I had been home alone. Dedra came back with me for the next week. I was so glad to have her at the funeral.

This last year has just flown by. I look back and can't even say where the time has gone. I have been saying out loud "Spencer's been dead for a year." over and over again. Even though it's been a year, it's still hard to believe. I really have a hard time wrapping my brain around it. I am still working at the same job. I am still living in the same apartment. I have the same friends. I do a lot of the same things. I am going to school now. Kyle is living with me. With so much still the same, I keep wanting Spencer to show up at my house and say "I missed you and I'm back now." I still wish we could have gotten married. Just so that I would have been able to have the option of being sealed either later in this life or after my own death. It makes me cry that I don't really have the promise of forever with him.

I still think about him every day.  My heart hurts still. I will have dreams about him sometimes. When I wake up I just cry. It's like its day one again. I still haven't been able to take down the pictures I have of us in my house. I still have the roses he gave me for Valentine's Day dried and hanging upside down from the curtains in my kitchen.  I still have things the recipes that he wanted us to try taped to my kitchen wall. I won't make BBQ chicken, French toast of biscuits and gravy because he loved them.  It hurts my guts too much. Whenever I hear Muse on the radio I cry still. I don't enjoy working on puzzles anymore. There are so many things that bring up good memories. I still love him so much.  Knowing that I can't make any more memories with him and that we don't have forever is what I think, hurts the most. He was the most amazing person. He brought so much joy to my life. He has changed me in so many ways. We were able to be there for each other. There wasn't anything we weren't willing to do or sacrifice for each other. He was the other half of my Orange.

Spencer made my promise that I would get married and have children. He told me that I had to love my husband. He told me I had to sing to my children. I trusted him with everything. We could talk about anything. There was nothing that we couldn't say to the other.  We truly understood each other. I love him. I know that is something that will never change. He will always have a special place in my heart. He was my everything.

I know I need to move forward. He wanted that for me. I also want that for myself. I am taking baby steps towards the things that I eventually want in this life. It just hurts more than I expected it to… move on without him next to me.