Monday, July 30, 2012

And so it goes...

I feel like my post are all the same. I try to think of things to write about and I come up with nothing.

All of my up dates about Spencer are the same. He is depressed and dying. Its depressing watching him die.I k ow that was very blunt to say but call a spade a spade. They are black and look like shovels.

He is sick of life and ready to be called home. I don't know what is to be learned or who is to learn it but this prolonged suffering of Spencer's must be teaching somebody something. I just wish they'd learn it. (Watch it be me that is missing what I should be learning from this.)

I was talking to Kyle about when Mom died. He gave me some incite on the situation that helped me to understand better. It always shocks me when I talk to Kyle and he turns out to be a 23 year old RM and not my little brother that I still see as the 7 year old dressed up like batman.

My home teachers were here on Sunday. I like them but they are so young. I struggle with that sometimes. The lesson they gave was great. It was delivered like seasoned missionaries. (They are both fresh RM's) It was what I needed to hear. They also gave me a blessing.

I keep praying for Spencer and his family.

This is my update. Sorry it was written by a scatter brain.

Friday, July 27, 2012

Family pictures

After work last night I was too tired to write a blog post. There was too much to say and I wasn’t awake enough to do it.

Once I got to Spencer’s house I sat down in the study. Everyone was running around getting all prettied up for family pictures. I was so excited. At my house when we take pictures everyone jumps at the chance to be silly. We make faces and are super obnoxious. We make silly faces. We strike funny poses. Everyone also has their personal cameras. Half of the fun of family pictures is the goings on behind the scene. I was so excited!

The Anderson Family is very different from the Hales Family. We aren’t camera shy. They are. We are NOT well behaved. They are. Let’s just say that my hopes and dreams for this photo shoot were dashed. I knew things would be different. I knew that no one would pill a face (Kyle) or randomly grab someone’s head (Dedra). I knew no one would strike a pose (Me) or push someone forward last second so we looked goofy (Ryan). I knew this. I was still just hoping that someone would. Haha

They all did what they were told when they were told. It was interesting. They were all so good. Even Sam! Well he did make a face but it wasn’t during a picture. He kept making a fish face. Haha. I love me some Sam.

Everyone was able to get a picture taken with Spencer except for me. Stephen looked around and said “that’s everyone” then when the photographer left he said “Oh Gina, did you want your picture taken with Spencer too?” I was able to get a couple of pictures taken with my crappy camera. It was all I could do not to cry. I was hurt by that. When I tried to speak up I wasn’t listened to.

After everyone was changed beck into their normal clothes we had dinner. I fixed Spencer’s plate. Everyone sat around talking about the pictures and the day’s events. It was a really nice evening. I am so glad I was able to be there.

All of the pictures that I am going to post are taken on my old and crappy camera. So they are not the best. I was hoping I would be able to get some of the silliness. I have 200 pictures of them being nice. Haha.

The Hand belongs to Chris. All other awesomeness you can see faces. Haha. My bangs are awful! I want everyone to know that. I cut them WAY too short. No making fun of me. Chris and Hannah told me I should just make them into full bangs until they grow out a little. I think they look silly.

Back to business! Here a bunch of pictures that liked that were on my camera. I look forward to seeing the professional ones. :)

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Memory Monday - The Thursday Edition.

I thought that I would break from the normal and post about something other than Spencer. Knowing me this post will somehow end up talking about him. He’s my favorite. Haha.

I was reading the labels that I have for my posts. I haven’t done a Memory Monday in what seems like forever. I also haven’t done a Good Idea Bad Idea in a while. I’s a lame blogger.

Here is a Memory Monday, Thursday edition

I have been thinking about what would be fun to write about. I came up with something that always made me complain as a kid but looking back now it’s something that now a lot of kids did.

I don’t really know if we did it for the post office or for my Dad’s office or what but we did the bulk mailings. We sorted the papers, stuffed the envelopes, labeled everything and sent them out. I remember one time in like second grade that my teacher asked me where I got all the cuts on my hands. I told her we sent out a lot of letters and I just wasn’t being careful.

It seemed to me that we did them all the time. I was little and we probably didn’t do them as often as I thought we did.

I know that when we would be doing them we weren’t allowed to go to bed until we were done. We had to get all the work done before bed. It was like that when we did the candy too.

***Side Note***
There was one time when we were getting up to make the candy everyone was in the living room. Dedra had turned the song 9-5 by Dolly Parton on really loud. She then comes strutting down the hall singing it. It made me very happy. Every time I hear that song. I always thing of the candy. Haha.
***Side Note Over***

There was one time that our power kept flickering. All the kids were praying that the power would go out because we couldn’t finish in the dark. The lights would go off and then Garen would lay to his side. As soon as Garen laid down the lights came back on. We were devastated. The lights when off again. Garen Laid down again. The lights came on again. This happened maybe 4 or 5 times. We kept telling Garen to stop laying down! Mom got so fed up with us that she sent us to bed. It was great. Haha

I have been doing what seems like endless paperwork at work the last couple of weeks. It reminded me of the bulk mailings. I Have learned to be careful now. I don’t have paper cuts like I did as a kid. Haha

That is my Memory Monday, Thursday Edition.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Tired

As I sit down to write my posts I struggle with what to say. He isn't doing good. He doesn't understand what is going on. I write this often.

The conversations I have with Spencer are mainly him telling me he is a waste and is sick of life. Me telling him he is my everything and that he is priceless. I write about this often too.

Spencer sleeps a lot. He gets up to use the bathroom, eat or to take his meds. We got him to the porch yesterday. :)

He slept most of today. Not just resting but out cold type sleep.

The last couple of days have been harder for him. He isn't talking very much. If he does talk its just to say he doesn't understand. I don't know what else to tell you.

Calli is tired. I am tired. Spencer is tired.

Here are a couple of pictures from the last couple of days.

Monday, July 23, 2012

There was zero proof reading done on this blog post.

I have some catching up to do.

After church I went over to Spencer’s house. He was in the kitchen. Everyone else was putting the finishing touches on dinner. I moved Spencer to the table.

After dinner he wasn’t feeling well. His stomach was really bothering him. He went to lay down in the study. After his stomach was feeling somewhat better he said he wanted to go upstairs.

I took him to his room. We talked for a bit. He is in a really dark place right now. He is so ready for all of this to just be over. He said how he feels like he is wasting every ones time. That he just causes stress. That he is sick of life. I keep trying to comfort him when we talk like that. It’s hard to convince him that he is worthwhile. He doesn’t want to hear it. He says that he is ruining everything. That because he is sick we don’t get to do any of the things we planned. That I shouldn’t love him anymore. That I should find someone that isn’t dying. Then out of nowhere he asked me “What are we doing? What’s going on?” I told him he was upstairs in his bed just resting. He said okay and then closed his eyes. From that point on I couldn’t even move my hand because he would hold it tighter if I shifted in anyway. It took about 10 minutes for me to talk him in to letting it go so I could go home. I was keen on staying. I don’t think his parents would have been as okay with it. Ha!

After I got home I was able to clean my messy house for a minute before Derek and River came over. Derek needed his hair cute so bad. They went to see Spencer on Saturday. Derek said it was really hard to talk to Spencer. He wasn’t all there. Derek asked what I thought about getting together in a couple of week and having dinner. I said I will see what we can do. I don’t know how Spencer will be in couple of weeks. We’d be hard pressed to get Calli to let him out of her site as it is. We may end up having a picnic in the back yard at Spencer’s house… That’s not really a bad Idea now that I think about it.

So here comes the part of the Blog Post that is being written to make Dedra painfully Jealous. Kate, Dedra’s best friend is in Utah. Kate is a bit of a stalker. She took a picture of my house and sent it to Dedra. Kate then text me and said there was a crazy lady outside of my house. Haha. Kate came over at 9pm to visit and have a root beer float. Kate and I took a picture of us standing like Superheroes. We are rad. Dedra is Jealous. MUHAHAHA! I had never met Kate before. I’d talked on the phone with her but that was all. It was nice to finally meet her. She’s funny.

I was in bed much later than I should have been. I am not even more tired that I normally am for work. WOOT!

Cam was in charge of the floor again today. He ruins my life most days. Today was one of them. I’m not his favorite because I talk back. He tries to be intimidating. For most of the people, that works. I am not most people. It bothers him that I don’t bend over backwards like the other minions do. I’m glad he leaves at 2.

This week out Central Station is the one doing ALL the inbounds not just the overflow. It has made it harder for Cami and I to do the Special instructions project. It’s frustrating. It was nuts today. BLAH! Yay for work! It very much cramps my style.

I went to see the Doctor after work. It was just a follow up about my new meds. I’m still crazy. How’s that for fun? Oh wait… it’s not.

I finally got to Spencer's house around 6. He was laying on the couch in the kitchen. He was pretty out of it. He didn't really say anything until around 7:20 and all it was, was "What am I doing?"

After dinner we all went and sat on the porch. It was finally nice outside. There were crazy hot moments, stand still and you'll drown moments. It was really nice come 8pm. It only took all day to get here. Ha.

I took a couple of pictures of Spencer outside. He is so skinny. He still eats. I think they should start having him drink whole milk or maybe cream.

For family night they went on a ride in the truck. I sadly had to come home. My work schedule requires me to go to bed ridiculously early. I hope he had fun.

The app in my iPod that I update my blog with won't let me pick and chose where to put the pictures of what order they are in. That is why they are always at the end. If I was smart and fancy it would be different. Seeing how I am of average intelligence and only pretend to be fancy, you get pictures at they end. Also in a weird order. This app has flaws.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Saturday is a special day...?

Let us talk about work for a second… we had 8 people call out “sick”. Funny, its Saturday, nice weather, and they just happen to be sick. I was annoyed. Cami and I have been working special instructions. That is time consuming. I was only able to get through 9 pages. Cami’s computer wasn’t working. It wouldn’t pull up any of the programs needed. Desk Top support took their sweet time getting to up to fix it. The alarm volume was high. That may have been because everyone called out… It was busy.

Also, working for an alarm company has cured me of ever wanting an alarm system in my home. This is a great Company. We are in the top 3 in the alarm world. We do great thing. We save lives and all that jazz. I like working here. I just don’t want an alarm system. I will just buy a gun.

Today was a long day. It’s always a long day when I spend most of it away from Spencer. When I finally get to see him, I only get to be there for an hour or so before he lays down for the night. Or I have to go home because of work the next day. It pretty much sucks. Next week I will be home by 5. It will be much nicer. I’m just glad I was able to see him.

I got to his house around 7:10. He was upstairs. He was sound asleep. When Calli came in with his meds, it took a few minutes to wake him. I had to sit behind him and hold him up so he could take his pills. After he laid back down I was attempting to move back to me spot next to his bed. He told me he wanted me to stay where I was. I sat next to him on his bed scratching his back and tickling his arm until dinner. I think that was the high of my day. He was asleep most of the time I was there.

We came down stairs for dinner. Stephen walked behind Spencer as I walk in front, down the stairs. He tends to wobble when he walks and we were there to catch him if he were to fall.

We had French toast for dinner. He is so sweet. He couldn't get his hands to do what he wanted. I fixed his plate for him. He isn't strong enough to hold the milk. I helped him get his drink too.

I left shortly after dinner. It was getting dark and I was on my bike. He requested that I let him know when I was safely home. He also wanted to know when I was coming back. He seemed worried. I hate leaving at the end of the day. I always cry on my way home.

I also cut hair tonight. Aubrey is getting ready to leave on a mission. She has been sick of her hair for a while. with all the new things going on, she needed new hair too. I cut Nate's hair too. We cut off almost all of his curl. I was sort of sad about that. Even though he looks so good with short hair.

Friday, July 20, 2012

Another Birthday!

Work made me want to punch people. Cami is finally back. I have missed her. I was to help her with a project that no one explained to me. When she walked in and saw that nothing was done it was frustrating to her. I didn’t even get logins until yesterday. Now that I understand what is going on things are moving much faster. There are over 1,800 pages of special instructions that we have to read over, make notes, call the subscribers for clarification if needed and then make changes. It’s slow going but faster now that there are 2 of us.

BEST account I had to work on today was for a man named Bich Ba Do. NO JOKE! That is the best thing ever. Everyone had a good laugh. How would you like to go through school with that name? All I can think of is walking up to them and saying “Hey Bich.” I am going to hell in a hand basket! That is so funny to me.

Cam is still in a bad mood. He has been walking around like he is going to hit people with a riding crop. 2pm didn’t come fast enough for me today. I did a little happy dance when he went home.

I forgot to bring a granola bar for after my bike ride to work. Sam said a bunch of stuff about carbs verses protein. I wasn’t listening as well as I should have. So by the time lunch came around I could have eaten a whole elephant. Good thing for me the cafĂ© down stairs doesn’t serve elephant.

Today is Olivia’s 16th birthday. That is beyond weird to me. That little girl can now date. Holy cow. Now let us see if we can overcome the shy nature of the Hales children.

We ate corn chowder, pizza and Batman cake. It was fun. She got a sketch book and new pencils. Spencer and I got her an iTunes gift card. She was pleased with everything. I even got a hug when I left. Yes, that is a big deal.

Spencer was pretty lucid tonight. I was excited about that. We talked for a while in the kitchen as he was laying down.

After dinner he was laying in the couch in the study. We were talking. He kept saying he wasn't worth loving. That all he does is stress people. I told him that that wasn't true. That he makes so many people happy. That he is the best part of my day. He was frustrated with not being able to think. He kept saying how he hated that he was losing that. I told him that I love him. He told me that I shouldn't because he was slipping away. I should move on. That killed me. I told him that if he wasn't worth loving than I wouldn't love him. Seeing how I do he must be worth it.

He was mad at himself. He wants so badly to be more than what he is right now. He feels like a burden. I wish he could see that as much as this situation isn't ideal, he is blessing so many people. So many are given the opportunity to serve. He has blessed his family with a better understanding of the gospel. He has proven himself to Heavenly Father. Spencer is so strong and brave. It's a tragic thing that he doesn't see all the good he is doing and has done.

I will leave you with pictures of the birthday party.

What you missed

So last night I was so tired that I didn’t really post much. As I am sitting here at work with not much to do I thought I would make up for that.

I am still so tired that if anyone were to move too quickly I would probably cry. I am passed the fun tired stage. I have entered and may settle in the emotional stage. Yay for all the luck souls around me. :)

Yesterday was a hard day. Spencer wasn’t doing well at all. He was stretched out on the loveseat that is in the kitchen with his feet propped up on another chair. I sat there and said hello maybe 4 times before he looked at me.

His eyes that have always been such a nice blue green color are now gray. There is no spark behind them. They look so flat. He was physically there. That was all. He was looking around the room not grasping what was going on. There was color and some spark in his eyes just a few days ago… this has made me weepy. It was all I could do not too full on ugly cry the whole time I was there last night.

His cousins came to see him for about a 45 minutes. I sat in the kitchen. As much as I love spencer’s family I would have started crying. After everyone left I sat with Spencer in the living room until it was time for dinner. He would stare at things like he’d never seen them before. When I asked him what/who he was looking at he would say he didn’t know. I really think that the vail is thinning.

Spencer has a hard time gripping things with his hands. He needs two hands when he takes a drink. He doesn’t understand why he is taking his meds. He just knows he has to. Its more habit than anything else. After he had his meds he ate. I’m glad that he is still able to eat.

Spencer and I sat at the table for about 20 minutes after dinner was over. He was holding his head in his hand. He was very quiet tonight. He looked at me and asked me why he can't just die. I started crying. I told him that I was so sorry that he had to suffer through this but it will pass.

When I walked him up to his room he told me I had to get a ride home. I love that he still tries to take care of me. I love him so much.

He wasn’t saying much. I know he wasn’t understanding much. I also know that he will have a perfect knowledge soon. That he may not get it now but he will. I talked to him. I acted like he was understanding every word that was coming out of my mouth. I reminded him of sweet things he would do. I reminded him of things we talked about after he was sick. I sat there in tears as I went over everything we have ever talked about. I went over the forever we had planned. The kids names we picked out. Fun memories he has helped me to make. He didn’t say anything until I got up to leave. I told him I love him and he said he loves me too.

Sam gave me a ride home. Sam said he would let Spencer know I was home safely when he got back.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Blah

Today was long. I am beyond tired. I will post something more substantial tomorrow when I have time. As for tonight... My update is Spencer is dying and it's rude.

He is skinnier than ever. My index finger and middle finger can touch wrapped around his forearm.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

A birthday day

Today was Chris' 17th birthday. He's old.

I made it to Spencer's house a little before noon. He was still resting. He was laying in his bed upstairs. I put the present Spencer and I got for Chris right after we found out the cancer was back on the table. We got things for all of his younger siblings for the rest of the year. I have Olivia's present at home. I have what I need to get Sam's. Spencer won't be around for Sam's next birthday.

I sat with Spencer upstairs for a while. It was nice to just sit with him. He was really tired this afternoon. He kept asking what was going on and what he needed to do.

He is so skinny. I was scratching his back and could feel every bone. When he was walking to the bathroom his legs and arms were thinner than I have ever seen them.

Calli made him come down stairs to sit in the kitchen with her as she got things ready for Chris's birthday dinner. Spencer kept asking what was going on. Calli told him he was sitting in the kitchen. He would ask "Why?".

He kept saying he was wasting everyone's time. That he should just die now. He said "I wish my brain wasn't shutting down." he talked about how he is failing everyone. It was hard to hear that. It was even harder to to convince him that he isn't a waste of time. Every time I'd tell him he is wonderful he'd say he's worthless.

I've figured out when he's lucid. We have about an hour window after he takes his meds that he understands ish what's going on. He's not all there. It's just not as bad. He asks less questions and will participate more in the conversation.

I sat in the kitchen with him until dinner time. He rested his hand on my knee and I held his hand. When ever I would move his hand he would wake up. I love him so much. I don't like watching him die. It's frustrating. There is nothing I can do. I wish I could take this from him and I can't. I wish I knew what to say or do to make things easier for him and his family. My mom used to say that heartache is the worst pain there is and there is nothing you can take for it. It hurts my heart to watch his Mom, to watch him. They are struggling.

The whole right side of his body is numb. He keeps picking at his face and neck on the right side. He can't feel it. When you tell him not to pick he asked why. It's like he's scratching to see if he can get the feeling back.

Chris made his own birthday cake. He is a silly boy.

Grandma and Grandpa White came over for Chris' birthday. I like them. Spencer seemed happy to see them too.

Dinner was nice. I was able to get some pictures of the party. I was glad to finally get a family picture. Spencer won't be around much longer. They need to take more pictures!

I left at 8:30. I will see him tomorrow around 7. I love him so much.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

2 years

2 years ago today I met a man that would change my life forever.

We met because of a blind date Derek set up. Spencer had recently broken off an engagement. My mother had recently died. We were both in not so great places emotionally. He told me that he had cancer about a half hour after we met. That's what we bonded over.

I thought I'd scared him away on our first date. Here we are 2 years later and I've not scared him yet.

I came over to see him at 1 this afternoon. He was upstairs resting. His leg had been hurting so he wasn't going to brave the stairs quite yet. So I sat holding his hand until he was up for it.

He did come down stairs around 2. He laid in the little couch in the kitchen. Calli wanted company as she made cookies. I guess the other 6 people down stairs didn't count.

He was pretty lucid this afternoon. He was frustrated about not really being able to think. We talked about Chris and Olivia's birthdays. We talked about random things that he was able to focus on. We sort of talked about our first date. It was nice.

He was able to go on an outing with his dad.

As the day went on the less he was able to understand. Our late afternoon early evening was really hard.

We had a late dinner. I'm glad he's still able to eat. It does take a minute for him to get that that's what we're doing though.

I stayed a little later than I normally do. I don't like leaving him. I feel like I miss everything.

I was able to make him take a picture with me. He said that I wasn't to post it. So here is a picture of him I took today and one of me he took on our first date. I'm so thankful for the 2 years I have been able to have.

Monday, July 16, 2012

One More Day

I works from 8-12:30 today. I was home by 1. I found all the windows open. Courtney had burned her food. She had been clearing out the smoke. Haha. She said she ended up just making a salad. She's a funny girl.

We hung out watching Peter Pan movies. Eating cheese burgers and fries. We are healthy. Haha. It was fun.

Andrea gave us a ride to the airport. It rained so hard on the way there. The sky was almost black. It was kind of scary. At least the air is cleaner. :)

Andrea and I talked on the way home. Her mom lost a boyfriend to brain cancer. She said that it was something her mom to this day struggles with. They only dated for 8 months. It was interesting to hear how that affected her mom. How it was something all the kids knew about. That it changed the way her mom did things.

Spencer has given me a list of things that I have to do. That he will be checking up on as time goes by. It makes me wonder if they had plans like that too. Probably.

Andrea dropped me off at Spencer's house. I was only there for about an hour. I sat with Spencer as he ate his dinner. It was a good evening all things considered. Spencer was pretty lucid. When I told him I love him he even said it back. He made sure that I had a way home. He wanted me to let him know when I was home. He asked when I would be back tomorrow. It was great! When I got there he was out of it. I was glad he can around while I was still there. Too bad it was as I was leaving.

I have to work tomorrow. I wish I didn't. I am only going on to make up the hours missed today. I will be at Spencer's house by 1 at the latest.

Oh! I was going through some pictures and I don't think I posted these when we went on the trip in February. These are a couple of the pictures that we took when we went to go see Jason and Maryann in St. George.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Just another blog post... Nothing special

I worked today. It was a really long day. I sat in the corner alone. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I also wanted to sort through some pictures and update my blog. I wasn’t in the mood to talk to people.

I woke up tired this morning. I could feel that it was going to be on off day. I made sure that Courtney had a house key and knew that Aubrey would be there to pick her up for church at 12:15. I then left for work.

There were a lot of people that were calling in to say that the alarm that we either didn’t receive or the alarm we got X number of days ago was false. It was frustrating. Oh well, it’s okay. It’s not like they were trying to be annoying. Haha

As I type this I feel grumpy. I have really no reason to be grumpy. I should get over it. Everyone was so happy today. Everyone was joking and laughing. The atmosphere at work was great. I just wasn’t feeling it. I wanted to shake everyone and say “DON’T YOU KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON??? DON’T YOU SEE THAT HE’S DYING???” Their lives are still going on. Things haven’t changed for them. They don’t get it.

I for the most part an really good about keeping it together at work. I have had a couple of times where I have cried. Things just get to be too much and I explode. I generally can excuse myself before it gets to that point. Today I just feel sad. I don’t feel like I can’t do my job. I have been just fine. I just feel sad. I was looking through a bunch of pictures from the last 2 years. I remember and smile. I love seeing the silly things that I was able to talk Spencer into doing. Haha. I am sad that I don’t get to keep making these kind of memories with him. I am losing him. I know that we will all be invited to the same party in the end. I know this. I just wish that he would get to be the one that escorted me when we are both there. I’ll be lucky if I even get a dance.

I don’t want this to sound like a pity party. I just wanted to vent a little. Everything will be all right in the end and until it’s all right, it’s not the end.

I had dinner at Spencer's house. Courtney wanted to do something different. Dinner was good. Conversation was good between everyone. Spencer took a little bit understanding that it was time to eat. He sat there for a little while then it clicked.

He went to lay down in the study after dinner. He kept saying how he hated that he didn't understand. He was so frustrated. He was angry. He asked me why. I told him the tumor wasn't letting him think. That it was the cancer not him. That this would pass. He kept asking when. I don't know what to do when he gets so upset like that. It hurts to see him like that.

Courtney and I hung out at home gem about 7:30 on. We watched Finding Neverland and drank hot chocolate.

I am tired. I am tired of everything.

A day late and a dollar short

A day late… I’m awesome at the late blogs. Oh yeah.

Kyle turned 23. Weird.

I picked Courtney up from EFY. She had a lot of fun. It took me about an hour to find her. She was sitting behind the Cannon Center reading a book. I was freaking out. I was so glad when I finally found her.

We ran errands in the morning. Walmart, Costco, picking my bike up from work. Things like that.

I’d told Spencer the night before that I would be over for lunch. That we could bring something good for everyone. Courtney and I made BBQ pork sandwiches, pasta salad and brought a bag of chips. It was really tasty.

I have Courtney this weekend so I won’t be able to spend as much time with Spencer as I would like. We were only there for about an hour before we left.

Olivia, Hannah, Courtney and I climbed up the waterfall up the canyon. It was really fun. We were soaked when we got back to the car. Courtney stood under the water! She’s nuts. The water wasn’t as cold as I thought it was going to be. It was really nice. Hannah and Olivia didn’t get as we as Courtney and I did. It was still a blast. Those girls are fearless.

We took the girls home after we stopped at my house for hot chocolate. Courtney and I only stayed for about a half hour. Spencer was laying on the couch in the kitchen. When I told him that I was leaving the was sad and asked why I was going now. I normally leave after he takes his meds in the evening. I told him that I had Courtney and she was board sitting in the hall reading.

It broke my heart when he asked why I was leaving. He gripped my hand pretty tight. He asked when I was going to come back. I told him that I would be back after work on Sunday. He asked what he needed to do. I told him just rest. He asked what was going on. I told him I was leaving. It took about 15 minutes for me to say good bye. It just about make me cry. I can’t cry in front of him. It makes me start a whole different round of questions that are even harder to answer without crying.

Courtney and I Ordered a pizza for dinner and watched movies until bed time. It was really fun. I miss having the girls close. I like being able to hang out with them. I forget that Courtney is only 15 sometimes. She is such a good kid. I love that turdhead a lot.

I will end this blog post with some of the silly pictures we took at the top of the waterfall. It was so fun.