Tuesday, October 29, 2013

1 Year Later

October 18, 2012 - I was getting ready leave for the weekend. The Boise Temple Open house was going on that weekend.  Had he been feeling up to it, he said he would want to go. As the time got closer to the event, we knew that he wouldn't be able to come with me. ) I reminded Spencer that I would be gone for the weekend.

October 19, 2012 – I got the oil changed in my car. I picked up a hat and eye patch at the store. I was going to make Spencer be a pirate with me for Halloween. At 3:00pm I sent to his house. I kissed him on the cheek, told him that I love him and that I would be back on Monday to see him. He was asleep. He was snoring cute little baby snores with his mouth open a little. He was so cute. I wanted to go see my family. I also didn't want to leave Spencer. I was so scared for this trip.

October 20, 2012 - One year ago at 5:40am I received a phone call from Spencer's Mom. She informed me that He had been called home. I just sat on my brother Ryan's couch crying and in shock. I spent the next couple of hours calling people in my family to update them. I can't even fathom what was happening at the Hales House. I know what I was going through but I can't even begin to know what they were going through.
I was so thankful that I was with my family when everything happened. I wouldn't have been able to handle anything if I had been home alone. Dedra came back with me for the next week. I was so glad to have her at the funeral.

This last year has just flown by. I look back and can't even say where the time has gone. I have been saying out loud "Spencer's been dead for a year." over and over again. Even though it's been a year, it's still hard to believe. I really have a hard time wrapping my brain around it. I am still working at the same job. I am still living in the same apartment. I have the same friends. I do a lot of the same things. I am going to school now. Kyle is living with me. With so much still the same, I keep wanting Spencer to show up at my house and say "I missed you and I'm back now." I still wish we could have gotten married. Just so that I would have been able to have the option of being sealed either later in this life or after my own death. It makes me cry that I don't really have the promise of forever with him.

I still think about him every day.  My heart hurts still. I will have dreams about him sometimes. When I wake up I just cry. It's like its day one again. I still haven't been able to take down the pictures I have of us in my house. I still have the roses he gave me for Valentine's Day dried and hanging upside down from the curtains in my kitchen.  I still have things the recipes that he wanted us to try taped to my kitchen wall. I won't make BBQ chicken, French toast of biscuits and gravy because he loved them.  It hurts my guts too much. Whenever I hear Muse on the radio I cry still. I don't enjoy working on puzzles anymore. There are so many things that bring up good memories. I still love him so much.  Knowing that I can't make any more memories with him and that we don't have forever is what I think, hurts the most. He was the most amazing person. He brought so much joy to my life. He has changed me in so many ways. We were able to be there for each other. There wasn't anything we weren't willing to do or sacrifice for each other. He was the other half of my Orange.

Spencer made my promise that I would get married and have children. He told me that I had to love my husband. He told me I had to sing to my children. I trusted him with everything. We could talk about anything. There was nothing that we couldn't say to the other.  We truly understood each other. I love him. I know that is something that will never change. He will always have a special place in my heart. He was my everything.

I know I need to move forward. He wanted that for me. I also want that for myself. I am taking baby steps towards the things that I eventually want in this life. It just hurts more than I expected it to… move on without him next to me.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013


It has been 10 months since Spencer passed away. I still feel like I am just going through the motions of life but it is getting easier.

In the last 10 months I have visited home, had family visit me, made blankets, moved Kyle to Utah, Went to 10 of the 16 Temples in Utah, Spent lots of time with my family, tried to date again (I HATE dating so much), got a second job and have started school.

I am trying to keep busy. Sometimes it will hit me hard that he is actually gone. Then it will feel like it just happened. I feel like I am starting from square one again. I will visit him I take a breath and just keep moving forward.

I was talking to one of my friends at work today. He told me how great he thinks it is that I am able to openly talk about Spencer’s death and how comfortable I am. He doesn’t get that sometimes I just need to talk. I miss Spencer so much. I miss the conversations we would have. I miss him just being in the other room as I did dishes. I love him so much still.

The last 10 months have really been a learning experience for me. Learning to do things on my own is still something I struggle with. (I still forget that he isn't right behind me when I walk into the grocery store. I miss bumping my bum with the cart then giggling.)

This post is just ramblings of my brain at the moment. I don’t know if it even makes sense or not. I haven’t proof read any of this. What everything boils down to is that I miss Spencer. I can't hardly believe that he has been gone for 10 months.

Sunday, July 14, 2013

My Spot

Chris: You’re in my spot.
Me: No I’m not.
Chris: Yes you are.
Me: I sat here yesterday
Chris: I didn’t work yesterday, did I?
Me: I have sat here all week!
Chris: I’m calling BS on that one.
Me: I’ve sat in this general area. You’re Name isn’t anywhere on this desk. It’s not your spot.

Chris then leans over me and writes a little note on my desk.

…. I love my coworkers. Hahahaha.

Friday, July 12, 2013

Things that Make me happy...

These are some funny things that were said in conversation at work either to me or around me. HAHAHA I love my job and the people I work with!

No, I forgot to unplug my heat ray that will melt my couch to pieces and set my house on fire!

I’m gonna cut your arm off!

What’s your problem? I’m getting hair advice!

Tell that lady she is a dumbass!

I go around running into people just for the fun of it.

Person 1: I’ll let you get back to more important things
Person 2: Like my Sudoku puzzle?

Wow you’re actually working today? You’re like, almost an over achiever!

Person 1: Have you always had a beard?
Person 2: Yes, I came out of the whom with one.

I only need my glasses to drive. That way I don’t hit pedestrians. If we wanted to play games, I could take my glasses off and I would win every time. I am so good at that game!

If Spud was really lazy, would that make him an actual couch potato?

Person 1: Did you just punch him in the bum?
Person 2: No, but you should.

Sunday, July 7, 2013

Things that are LAME


That is all.

10 things

I have become a lame blogger. I am working on that. Here is a list of 10 things that happened this week-

1. I got sick and vomited at work.
2. Took a nap everyday.
3. Passed the entrance exam for MATC. I will be starting school in August.
4. A dear friend of the family, Pam Sommer, lost her battle with cancer. I am so sad that I can't afford to go home for her funeral. I want to give Bob and Doug big hugs do badly.
5. Was put on a new medicine for iron deficiency. It is what is making me sick all the time.
6. Played in the rain with Kyle and our 18 month old neighbor Claira. We were teaching her how to puddle jump. It was so stinking cute! She is a terrific kid.
7. Started Ether in the Book of Mormon and Exodus in the Bible. (I have also decided the Bible is pretty boring. I like the BoM way better)
8. I am now half way through A Thousand Splendid Suns. It's super good!
9. Worked my full 40 hours. I've not done that for a few weeks. PLUS! over time this week because of the holiday.
10. Started cutting out fabric for a new blanket. It will be a slab quilt. I'm super excited. I may make 2! Haha

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Just what I needed

5 Scriptures that will get you through almost anything.

1 Nephi 11:17 God loves His children

Moses 7:26-33 God allows evil in the world. He doesn't want it but we need to be tested. He weeps and He knows what we are going through.

Alma 14:13 Your woke isn't done. Don't let hardships define your life.

Alma 7: 11-12 He is there for us. We will not be tried more than we can handle. The spirit does come when you turn to the Lord. Christ suffered for us. It won't change the obstacles but with faith in the Lord we are given the strength to overcome. The atonement is not just for sinners.

D&C 101:32-36 Things are relieved for a purpose. Not in our time but in the Lords. He is protecting us, teaching us and making us better people. Line upon line. Precept upon precept. Patience in all things.

Don't let people say they can't change. Christ suffered for us. We were given the atonement. That gives us the ability to change. It's not an instant thing. It's not like turning on a light switch. Its like a sunrise. It takes time. It's slow but the light does come.

We need to have faith. I needed to hear so many of the things that were said in church today.

D&C 50:35 - And by giving heed and doing these things which ye have received, and which ye shall hereafter receive-and the kingdom is given you of the Father, and power to overcome all things which are not ordained of him-

Saturday, June 1, 2013

New baby on the way.

My friend DeVere's wife is having a baby boy. She is 6 or 7 months along. I made them a blanket for their soon to be little one.

It was so fun to see again. It seems like its been forever.

Monday, May 20, 2013

May 20, 2013

Today is May 20, 2013. It has been 7 months since Spencer passed away. That is mind boggling. I can’t believe how time has passed. It makes me sick to think about sometimes.

The first year is always the hardest. I know this. It’s hard to look back on where we were a year ago. At this time, we had known that he was terminal for 2 weeks. Spencer would come over for breakfast still on my days off. Rather than us going out on dates we would have picnics in my living room.

Last year on May 20 I had to go to work. Spencer had had a rough day. Things were starting to sink in. I had sat with him as he took a nap on the couch.

I think about Spencer often. I still have pictures of him on my walls at home. I have been trying to come up with pictures that I could use to replace them. The thought of it still makes me feel ill. I still have up on Facebook that I am in a relationship with Spencer. Once I change that I won’t ever be able to have that again. I am so scared for that and I don’t know why. I guess it could be because I'm sad to let him go. I know I will never be over Spencer. I do know that I need to move forward. That is what he would want. He gave me a huge list of “you must do’s” for after he was gone. I must get married. I must love my husband. I must have children. I must sing to them. I must be happy…. Things like that. I am working on it… He’s bossy.

7 months ago… that is just too weird. I never could see myself without him. I really had forever in my mind. Now that he has been dead for 7 months… I don’t know, it still doesn’t seem real sometimes. Other times it seems so real that I can’t breathe. I feel like there is a hole in my chest. That when he died I did too. My body just didn’t have the good sense to stop living.

Things haven’t been all bad. I do miss Spencer terribly. I have the most amazing friends. They have been my sanity. If it weren’t for them I would have gone crazy. While Spencer was sick, Julia and David were my support. After Spencer’s death Jentrie, Chris and Ana were life savers! I don’t think that I would have been able to function or stay at work long enough to pay my bills if it weren’t for them. They made things bearable. I love them mucho. My family listened to me cry on the phone and have visited me several times. Heather sent Alexa and CJ to live with my for a while. Kyle is living with me now. I love not being alone. I have lots of other people that have been amazing over the last several months also. There are too many to name. If you are reading this and are wondering “Was I a help?” Good chance you were. If it weren’t for my amazing support system I would have just crumbled.

I am so thankful for the Gospel in my life. I have seen Heavenly Fathers hand in my life. I am so thankful that He has been there for me to comfort me and to listen to my prayers. I know that prayers are heard and answered. In the last few months have been very trying. I know that there are things that I am to learn from these experiences. I have felt like I have had my own personal Korihor in my life. I know that this gospel is true. I know that the church is led by a true and living prophet. I know that Heavenly Fathers loves me. I know that He wants me to come out the other side of this stronger.

I have read my patriarchal blessing several times over the last few weeks. I take great comfort its words. There are several things that have come to pass. There are still blessing that I have to look forward to.

I am going to end this rambling before it gets any longer…..

7 months …. That’s crazy…..

Monday, May 13, 2013


I haven’t posted anything since Spencer’s birthday. There really hasn’t been anything to write about for the last couple of months. Well there has... I’ve just been lazy.

Kyle moved to Utah in March. That has been an adventure and a half. I had in my mind how I thought it would be. I knew that it would be hard because he’s a turdhead. I didn’t know what I had really signed up for…. Things are SLOWLY improving. I still want to sell him part of the time but I think I’ll keep him.

Dad came to Utah for 2 weeks. We sessions in 10 of the Temples in Utah. Between is we did almost 50 sessions. It was an amazing experience. I learned so much.

I have been trying to date…. That’s been interesting. I still miss Spencer like crazy. He was truly the perfect balance for my type of crazy. I have been kind of seeing this one yahoo. He’s not as lame as he could be. He’s fun sometimes. The dating game is stupid. I just want to win already.

I had a birthday in there somewhere. Went to Salt Lake and then had dinner at home with friends. It was a fun day. I have pictures. That may have to be another post. I don’t have a way to get those pictures up right now. Sam entered the MTC on my birthday. He text me happy birthday early that morning. He’s such a good kid. I’m really proud of him.

Mother’s Day came and went. I went to the first 45 minutes of Church. I still have a really hard time listening to others talk about their mothers. I shouldn’t be bitter…. And yet I am.

Kyle and I have decided that our family home evenings are never going to be at home. We like to go up the canyon. We grill. It’s fun. We go get pint stirrer sticks and catch them on fire. Hahaha. Its super fun.

My friends are cooler than yours. I have pictures to prove that one also. I really should just start posting more….. I’m really bad at blogging. I should work on that.

I am trying to think if there is anything else that I would say….. I don’t really have anything else.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Happy Birthday Spencer

Today would have been Spencer's 26th birthday. He would have told me that we are the same age finally! Then on my birthday he would have informed me that he'll catch up on day. He was silly.

Birthdays weren't a big deal at my house growing up. Spencer and I didn't really do presents but we went to dinner and would just hang out at home. Birthdays were more of a party at his folks house. His mom made a special dinner. She would decorate the table all fancy. It was always fun.

I know that I say this often but I really do miss Spencer. I miss how he would get so excited when he would get home from work and dinner was ready. I miss how when he would "help" me do the dishes he would end up just standing behind me resting his head on my shoulder with his arms around my waist. I miss him telling me he loves me. I just miss him as a whole.

I have gone through my pictures. I have found a few that I like. I think I have posted some of them before. I'm not sorry. These are just some of my favorite pictures of Spencer.

Happy Birthday to Spencer Stephen Hales. He was and still it my favorite. I love him.

Monday, February 25, 2013

1096 days down, The rest of my life to go....

1096 days ago the world lost and amazing person. Since that day the world has also been a bit more sane. As hard as I try to fill that void, I fear that I will never be able to live up to my mom’s particular brand of crazy. I have too many A’s in my blood. (That brings on a different form of crazy.)

This year has been a tough one. I have needed Mom more than I have since she died. I have amazing sisters that have been there for me in every way. My brothers are there also. My Dad has been there to talk me of the cliff so many times. The only problem with talking with them is that they are all too nice. I need Mom to sit on the bed with me and tell me to “get your head out of your ass you dumb shit”.

I miss my Mom more than I have words to tell you. I would give anything to sit on the counter as she does her make up. I would love to go through pattern books at a fabric store picking out our next project. I would love to hear her giggle. I want to sing at the piano with her picking the songs. I want to have shrimp at midnight. I miss her sitting on the couch crocheting. I just miss her. It’s hard to believe that it’s already been 3 years. I feel like I haven’t really done anything that she would be proud of in that time. I’ve done a lot of stupid stuff though… Maybe that’s why I want to talk to her so bad. I want her to tell me what I need to do.

I am so thankful for Eternal families. I am so thankful that my parents were married in the Temple. I look forward to seeing my Mom again. I look forward to introducing who ever I marry to her. I can't wait for her to meet my children. She was one in a billion.

I miss her so much.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

4 months

It's been 4 months. I still can't believe he's gone. I miss him. I love Spencer so much. My heart hurts.

Sunday, January 27, 2013

I'm awesome... yeah....

I don't curl my hair very often. I am accident prone. I always seem to burn myself. They blistered and are lame. At least I looked hot for church.

There is the one that hit the tip of the curling iron in the middle of the inside of my wrist. There is also the 2 inch burn that hit the side of my arm just above my wrist where the barrel attacked me.

They are horrible and painful.

Monday, January 7, 2013

Surprise Picture

I received an email from Spencer's Dad that contained 2 pictures from when Spencer went through the Temple. They made me cry today at work. I love seeing pictures of us that I've never seen before.