I worked today. It was a really long day. I sat in the corner alone. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I also wanted to sort through some pictures and update my blog. I wasn’t in the mood to talk to people.
I woke up tired this morning. I could feel that it was going to be on off day. I made sure that Courtney had a house key and knew that Aubrey would be there to pick her up for church at 12:15. I then left for work.
There were a lot of people that were calling in to say that the alarm that we either didn’t receive or the alarm we got X number of days ago was false. It was frustrating. Oh well, it’s okay. It’s not like they were trying to be annoying. Haha
As I type this I feel grumpy. I have really no reason to be grumpy. I should get over it. Everyone was so happy today. Everyone was joking and laughing. The atmosphere at work was great. I just wasn’t feeling it. I wanted to shake everyone and say “DON’T YOU KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON??? DON’T YOU SEE THAT HE’S DYING???” Their lives are still going on. Things haven’t changed for them. They don’t get it.
I for the most part an really good about keeping it together at work. I have had a couple of times where I have cried. Things just get to be too much and I explode. I generally can excuse myself before it gets to that point. Today I just feel sad. I don’t feel like I can’t do my job. I have been just fine. I just feel sad. I was looking through a bunch of pictures from the last 2 years. I remember and smile. I love seeing the silly things that I was able to talk Spencer into doing. Haha. I am sad that I don’t get to keep making these kind of memories with him. I am losing him. I know that we will all be invited to the same party in the end. I know this. I just wish that he would get to be the one that escorted me when we are both there. I’ll be lucky if I even get a dance.
I don’t want this to sound like a pity party. I just wanted to vent a little. Everything will be all right in the end and until it’s all right, it’s not the end.
I had dinner at Spencer's house. Courtney wanted to do something different. Dinner was good. Conversation was good between everyone. Spencer took a little bit understanding that it was time to eat. He sat there for a little while then it clicked.
He went to lay down in the study after dinner. He kept saying how he hated that he didn't understand. He was so frustrated. He was angry. He asked me why. I told him the tumor wasn't letting him think. That it was the cancer not him. That this would pass. He kept asking when. I don't know what to do when he gets so upset like that. It hurts to see him like that.
Courtney and I hung out at home gem about 7:30 on. We watched Finding Neverland and drank hot chocolate.
I am tired. I am tired of everything.