In my world...

July 10, 2012

I went to the clinic at work on my break. The team lead had me taking alarms. I asked the Doctor at the clinic to write me a note saying that I need to be on inbounds and low priority alarms until my meds make it so I feel less crazy. All they are doing for me as of yet is just making me tired all the time. I will be on inbounds for the next few weeks. I am so thankful for that. I don’t think I could have handled work if I wasn’t on inbounds.

Julia and I sat on the row that is unseen by all. We aren’t to eat at our desks. On the secret and magic row we can have snacks, talk, use our phones and write blog posts.

This magic row is also were, who we lovingly refer to as the “Priests of Noah” sit. HAHA. Peter, the head Priest came over and talked to us to see why we took their spot. I told him it was like sacrament meeting the way people get possessive of their benches. I told him I wanted to see how many people we could displace. Also, I really didn’t want to be bothered by the team leads. I’m evil some days. Today happens to be one of them.

I emailed my dad. I asked him if he would be willing to send me the rest of my dress up stuff. I know that I have a lot here. I could make most little girls envious of my awesome dress up stuff.(My mom always told me that dress up didn’t have an age cap. I am so glad for that.) I just want to have my wigs and hats and the rest of my dresses and coats.

Dedra called me last night to tell me that my Uncle Steve was going to for open heart surgery this morning at 7am. My first thought when she said that was that my grandpa couldn’t handle losing another kid. That would kill him. Dedra called me at work this morning letting me know that everything went well. I was so relieved. I can bet that Marla and their kids are also relieved. There has been too much death in our family in the last few years. I think we need a break. Now that I say that watch as everyone around me drops like flies. RUDE!

While I was at work today I was thinking about the things that I wanted to tell Spencer when I got home. I used to email or text with him throughout the day. His vision started getting really bad a couple of weeks ago. Then in the last week he hasn’t even been able to even used his phone. He doesn’t understand enough to read or respond. The last text I got was on the first. It makes me sad. At the same time it’s kind of a blessing. He and I would text ALL day until one of us fell asleep. Not being able to text or call him now will make it slightly easier when I can’t even pretend to call or text him.

Don’t you love how the randomness of this blog post. I feel like a scatterbrain today. I wonder if that is the meds they have me on… Maybe it’s just that I am a random person. Blah.

I rode my bike home today. It’s hot. Did you know that? I don’t like how gross I feel when I get home when it’s that hot. I then am scared that I stink when I get to Spencer’s. He tells me I don’t stink. Haha. He’s nice.

I like that I was able to spend my evening with him. I sure love him. It’s hard to sit there and not be able to do anything to help him. I tell him how smart he is. He hates that he feels so stupid. He has always been an intellectual. Reading, music, science, math all of these things have come easy to him. He has enjoyed them. After his first surgery he couldn’t understand like he used to. Then now, he is really struggling. I wish I could just take this from him.

When I got to his house he was laying in the study. I told him that I love him. He asked what that was. I don’t think I have ever wanted to cry more in my life. I explained what I meant. He was quiet for a minute and then said he loves me too. I did cry when I got home over that. He is slipping away piece by piece and there is nothing anyone can do about it.

I sat with him. Trying to talk with him about his day. There was much he couldn’t recall. When he went upstairs for the night is when I came home.

I remember my mom talking to my aunt Sherla when I was little. Sherla was really sick. She was dying of cancer also. Sherla said how we should stop praying for her to get better. That she wanted to be released from this life. She was ready to go home. Every time I see Spencer I think of this. I think how I am not ready to say goodbye. I know his family isn’t ready either. I also know that he is suffering. I wish I knew what to do. I wish I could just talk to my mom. She is ruining my life by not being alive. I hope Spencer remembers to tell her that when he dies. He said he would try. I want Spencer to not be suffering anymore. I also want him to miraculously get better. That we can have babies and grow old together… Funny how I’m pretty sure that mom will be seeing him before too long. That sucks. At least Mom will get to meet him. I’m pretty sure they’ll like each other.



July 11, 2012

James and Julia from work came over this morning. I cut James’ hair. Julia wanted pancakes and so we had a party. It was really fun. I’ve not been able to laugh that hard in a long time. It was good.

I gave everyone the boot at 11:30. I’s told Spencer that I’d come over at noon and I didn’t want to be late. I was able to get there at 11:45.

He was laying in the study on the couch. He was really tired. He didn’t know what was going on. After I explained what he was doing and that I was going to just be sitting by him things were okay. He slept until 2 when it was time for his meds and lunch. He will only eat as long as someone is eating with him. I had lunch with him but I wasn’t hungry. I was sneaky and put food on his plate when he wasn’t looking. He needs the calories more than I do anyway. He’s gotten so skinny. We sat outside for a few minutes but he decided it was too hot.

He went back to laying on the couch with his feet in my lap. We took a nap for about an hour like that. When we woke up we watched the Tour De France with Sam. It was a lot more interesting that I thought it would be. We watched the 9th leg of the race. It was intense and stressful. It was really neat. I also now understand why Sam wants to have the white Jersey with the red pokie dotes.

We had dinner around 6:45. After dinner the kids, Spencer and I sat at the table still talking. It’s good for him to visit some. I left around 8 after he took his meds. I wasn’t able to sleep last night. He was going to go to bed also. He was tired from the day’s adventures.

There is a song by Janice Kapp Perry called “The Test” This song always made me get teary eyed. Then when my Mom died it was one that made me cry. Now with Spencer… Let us just say that I am a mess when I listen to it. Again I wish I was smart enough to post a link or something like that. Here are the lyrics.

THE TEST

Tell me friend, why are you blind?
Why doesn’t he who works the miracles send light into your eyes?
Tell me friend, if you understand, why doesn’t He with power to raise
the dead just make you whole again?
It would be so easy for Him.
I watch you and in sorrow and question why.
And you my friend in perfect faith reply.

Didn’t He say, He sent us to be tested?
Didn’t He say, the way would not be sure?
But didn’t he say we could live with him forever more,
well and whole, if we but patiently endure.
After the trial, we will be blessed,
but this life is the test.

Tell me friend, I see your pain.
Why when you pray in faith for healing,
does the crippling thorn remain?
Help me see, if you understand, why doesn’t he who healed

the lame man come with healing in his wings.
It would be so easy for Him.
I watch you and in sorrow question why?
And you my friend, in perfect faith reply.

Didn’t He say, He sent us to be tested?
Didn’t He say, the way would not be sure?
But didn’t he say we could live with him forever more
well and whole, if we but patiently endure.
After the trial, we will be blessed,
but this life is the test.

Tell me now, why must you die?
Why must your loved ones stand with empty arms,
and ask the question why?
Help me know, so I can go on.
How when your love and faith sustained me, can the precious gift be gone?
From the depths of sorrow I cry, though pains of grief within my soul arrive.
The whisperings of the Spirit still my cry.


Didn’t He say, He sent us to be tested?
Didn’t He say, the way would not be sure?
But didn’t he say we could live with him forever more,
well and whole, if we but patiently endure.
After the trial, we will be blessed,
but this life is the test.

I have enjoyed writing my blog posts like a journal for you. I should start posting every day. I’ll work on that.