Wednesday, July 18, 2012

A birthday day

Today was Chris' 17th birthday. He's old.

I made it to Spencer's house a little before noon. He was still resting. He was laying in his bed upstairs. I put the present Spencer and I got for Chris right after we found out the cancer was back on the table. We got things for all of his younger siblings for the rest of the year. I have Olivia's present at home. I have what I need to get Sam's. Spencer won't be around for Sam's next birthday.

I sat with Spencer upstairs for a while. It was nice to just sit with him. He was really tired this afternoon. He kept asking what was going on and what he needed to do.

He is so skinny. I was scratching his back and could feel every bone. When he was walking to the bathroom his legs and arms were thinner than I have ever seen them.

Calli made him come down stairs to sit in the kitchen with her as she got things ready for Chris's birthday dinner. Spencer kept asking what was going on. Calli told him he was sitting in the kitchen. He would ask "Why?".

He kept saying he was wasting everyone's time. That he should just die now. He said "I wish my brain wasn't shutting down." he talked about how he is failing everyone. It was hard to hear that. It was even harder to to convince him that he isn't a waste of time. Every time I'd tell him he is wonderful he'd say he's worthless.

I've figured out when he's lucid. We have about an hour window after he takes his meds that he understands ish what's going on. He's not all there. It's just not as bad. He asks less questions and will participate more in the conversation.

I sat in the kitchen with him until dinner time. He rested his hand on my knee and I held his hand. When ever I would move his hand he would wake up. I love him so much. I don't like watching him die. It's frustrating. There is nothing I can do. I wish I could take this from him and I can't. I wish I knew what to say or do to make things easier for him and his family. My mom used to say that heartache is the worst pain there is and there is nothing you can take for it. It hurts my heart to watch his Mom, to watch him. They are struggling.

The whole right side of his body is numb. He keeps picking at his face and neck on the right side. He can't feel it. When you tell him not to pick he asked why. It's like he's scratching to see if he can get the feeling back.

Chris made his own birthday cake. He is a silly boy.

Grandma and Grandpa White came over for Chris' birthday. I like them. Spencer seemed happy to see them too.

Dinner was nice. I was able to get some pictures of the party. I was glad to finally get a family picture. Spencer won't be around much longer. They need to take more pictures!

I left at 8:30. I will see him tomorrow around 7. I love him so much.

1 comment:

  1. I agree with you on the heartache. It IS the worst kind of pain. I continue keeping Spencer, you and his family in my prayers.