Monday, October 8, 2012

What could have been

In February Spencer asked if I wanted anything from the jewelry store I worked at for Valentines Day. I looked at my left hand and then looked at him. I said "Yeah"

In March I started looking for a new job. Spencer and I talked about getting our rings before I quit Schubach. That way we could use my employee discount. We had our rings picked out.

Spencer's head started hurting. I told him several times to go to the doctor. He said it would go away. He was fine. The stress of getting the money for an MRI was weighing on us.

Sadly Sam broke his arm but now Spencer could get him MRI.

Marriage put on the back burner once again we waited for the MRI results.

In the mean time Spencer's tumor didn't want to wait for his doctors appointment. May 6, 2012 we were told that we had at best 6 months.

These last 5 months have been amazing in several ways. They have been hard and wonderful.

I asked Spencer if he would marry me when he was still in the hospital. We talked for a couple of weeks about it. He then just said "No". That broke my heart.

A few days ago Spencer told me why he said no. He told me that it wouldn't have been fair to me if we'd gotten married. That I shouldn't marry someone with cancer. I reminded him that the cancer has never been an issue for me. He said he knew that. That he still thinks that I shouldn't have to deal with it. That I need someone that will take care of me. That it isn't fair to me that I sit with him and do nothing. He feels like he's wasting my time. He then said he was sorry for being like this.

Spencer brought up marriage again today. He said that he wants me to make sure that I get married. That he wants me to be happy. I told him that I would still marry him today. He asked me "Why do you put up with me? I'm nothing." I tried to explain how much he means to me and how I love him.

He told me how if he wasn't sick we would be the ones getting married right now. I must admit I am painfully jealous of Lexi and Aaron. I am so happy for them. I am. It is just all I can do not to cry all the time when I see Lexi and Calli talking about the wedding or working on putting the finishing touches on things.

Okay so this is my rambling. I am going to leave you with a couple of pictures. These were the rings we had picked.


  1. You made me cry.

    I know you'll get married and it'll be to a man who will make you very happy. I know that Spencer would want that no matter what. He loves you that much.