May 20, 2013

Today is May 20, 2013. It has been 7 months since Spencer passed away. That is mind boggling. I can’t believe how time has passed. It makes me sick to think about sometimes.

The first year is always the hardest. I know this. It’s hard to look back on where we were a year ago. At this time, we had known that he was terminal for 2 weeks. Spencer would come over for breakfast still on my days off. Rather than us going out on dates we would have picnics in my living room.

Last year on May 20 I had to go to work. Spencer had had a rough day. Things were starting to sink in. I had sat with him as he took a nap on the couch.

I think about Spencer often. I still have pictures of him on my walls at home. I have been trying to come up with pictures that I could use to replace them. The thought of it still makes me feel ill. I still have up on Facebook that I am in a relationship with Spencer. Once I change that I won’t ever be able to have that again. I am so scared for that and I don’t know why. I guess it could be because I'm sad to let him go. I know I will never be over Spencer. I do know that I need to move forward. That is what he would want. He gave me a huge list of “you must do’s” for after he was gone. I must get married. I must love my husband. I must have children. I must sing to them. I must be happy…. Things like that. I am working on it… He’s bossy.

7 months ago… that is just too weird. I never could see myself without him. I really had forever in my mind. Now that he has been dead for 7 months… I don’t know, it still doesn’t seem real sometimes. Other times it seems so real that I can’t breathe. I feel like there is a hole in my chest. That when he died I did too. My body just didn’t have the good sense to stop living.

Things haven’t been all bad. I do miss Spencer terribly. I have the most amazing friends. They have been my sanity. If it weren’t for them I would have gone crazy. While Spencer was sick, Julia and David were my support. After Spencer’s death Jentrie, Chris and Ana were life savers! I don’t think that I would have been able to function or stay at work long enough to pay my bills if it weren’t for them. They made things bearable. I love them mucho. My family listened to me cry on the phone and have visited me several times. Heather sent Alexa and CJ to live with my for a while. Kyle is living with me now. I love not being alone. I have lots of other people that have been amazing over the last several months also. There are too many to name. If you are reading this and are wondering “Was I a help?” Good chance you were. If it weren’t for my amazing support system I would have just crumbled.

I am so thankful for the Gospel in my life. I have seen Heavenly Fathers hand in my life. I am so thankful that He has been there for me to comfort me and to listen to my prayers. I know that prayers are heard and answered. In the last few months have been very trying. I know that there are things that I am to learn from these experiences. I have felt like I have had my own personal Korihor in my life. I know that this gospel is true. I know that the church is led by a true and living prophet. I know that Heavenly Fathers loves me. I know that He wants me to come out the other side of this stronger.

I have read my patriarchal blessing several times over the last few weeks. I take great comfort its words. There are several things that have come to pass. There are still blessing that I have to look forward to.

I am going to end this rambling before it gets any longer…..

7 months …. That’s crazy…..

Yeah...

I haven’t posted anything since Spencer’s birthday. There really hasn’t been anything to write about for the last couple of months. Well there has... I’ve just been lazy.

Kyle moved to Utah in March. That has been an adventure and a half. I had in my mind how I thought it would be. I knew that it would be hard because he’s a turdhead. I didn’t know what I had really signed up for…. Things are SLOWLY improving. I still want to sell him part of the time but I think I’ll keep him.

Dad came to Utah for 2 weeks. We sessions in 10 of the Temples in Utah. Between is we did almost 50 sessions. It was an amazing experience. I learned so much.

I have been trying to date…. That’s been interesting. I still miss Spencer like crazy. He was truly the perfect balance for my type of crazy. I have been kind of seeing this one yahoo. He’s not as lame as he could be. He’s fun sometimes. The dating game is stupid. I just want to win already.

I had a birthday in there somewhere. Went to Salt Lake and then had dinner at home with friends. It was a fun day. I have pictures. That may have to be another post. I don’t have a way to get those pictures up right now. Sam entered the MTC on my birthday. He text me happy birthday early that morning. He’s such a good kid. I’m really proud of him.

Mother’s Day came and went. I went to the first 45 minutes of Church. I still have a really hard time listening to others talk about their mothers. I shouldn’t be bitter…. And yet I am.

Kyle and I have decided that our family home evenings are never going to be at home. We like to go up the canyon. We grill. It’s fun. We go get pint stirrer sticks and catch them on fire. Hahaha. Its super fun.

My friends are cooler than yours. I have pictures to prove that one also. I really should just start posting more….. I’m really bad at blogging. I should work on that.

I am trying to think if there is anything else that I would say….. I don’t really have anything else.

Happy Birthday Spencer

Today would have been Spencer's 26th birthday. He would have told me that we are the same age finally! Then on my birthday he would have informed me that he'll catch up on day. He was silly.

Birthdays weren't a big deal at my house growing up. Spencer and I didn't really do presents but we went to dinner and would just hang out at home. Birthdays were more of a party at his folks house. His mom made a special dinner. She would decorate the table all fancy. It was always fun.

I know that I say this often but I really do miss Spencer. I miss how he would get so excited when he would get home from work and dinner was ready. I miss how when he would "help" me do the dishes he would end up just standing behind me resting his head on my shoulder with his arms around my waist. I miss him telling me he loves me. I just miss him as a whole.

I have gone through my pictures. I have found a few that I like. I think I have posted some of them before. I'm not sorry. These are just some of my favorite pictures of Spencer.

Happy Birthday to Spencer Stephen Hales. He was and still it my favorite. I love him.

1096 days down, The rest of my life to go....

1096 days ago the world lost and amazing person. Since that day the world has also been a bit more sane. As hard as I try to fill that void, I fear that I will never be able to live up to my mom’s particular brand of crazy. I have too many A’s in my blood. (That brings on a different form of crazy.)

This year has been a tough one. I have needed Mom more than I have since she died. I have amazing sisters that have been there for me in every way. My brothers are there also. My Dad has been there to talk me of the cliff so many times. The only problem with talking with them is that they are all too nice. I need Mom to sit on the bed with me and tell me to “get your head out of your ass you dumb shit”.

I miss my Mom more than I have words to tell you. I would give anything to sit on the counter as she does her make up. I would love to go through pattern books at a fabric store picking out our next project. I would love to hear her giggle. I want to sing at the piano with her picking the songs. I want to have shrimp at midnight. I miss her sitting on the couch crocheting. I just miss her. It’s hard to believe that it’s already been 3 years. I feel like I haven’t really done anything that she would be proud of in that time. I’ve done a lot of stupid stuff though… Maybe that’s why I want to talk to her so bad. I want her to tell me what I need to do.

I am so thankful for Eternal families. I am so thankful that my parents were married in the Temple. I look forward to seeing my Mom again. I look forward to introducing who ever I marry to her. I can't wait for her to meet my children. She was one in a billion.

I miss her so much.

4 months

It's been 4 months. I still can't believe he's gone. I miss him. I love Spencer so much. My heart hurts.

I'm awesome... yeah....

I don't curl my hair very often. I am accident prone. I always seem to burn myself. They blistered and are lame. At least I looked hot for church.

There is the one that hit the tip of the curling iron in the middle of the inside of my wrist. There is also the 2 inch burn that hit the side of my arm just above my wrist where the barrel attacked me.

They are horrible and painful.

Surprise Picture

I received an email from Spencer's Dad that contained 2 pictures from when Spencer went through the Temple. They made me cry today at work. I love seeing pictures of us that I've never seen before.