In my world...

July 10, 2012

I went to the clinic at work on my break. The team lead had me taking alarms. I asked the Doctor at the clinic to write me a note saying that I need to be on inbounds and low priority alarms until my meds make it so I feel less crazy. All they are doing for me as of yet is just making me tired all the time. I will be on inbounds for the next few weeks. I am so thankful for that. I don’t think I could have handled work if I wasn’t on inbounds.

Julia and I sat on the row that is unseen by all. We aren’t to eat at our desks. On the secret and magic row we can have snacks, talk, use our phones and write blog posts.

This magic row is also were, who we lovingly refer to as the “Priests of Noah” sit. HAHA. Peter, the head Priest came over and talked to us to see why we took their spot. I told him it was like sacrament meeting the way people get possessive of their benches. I told him I wanted to see how many people we could displace. Also, I really didn’t want to be bothered by the team leads. I’m evil some days. Today happens to be one of them.

I emailed my dad. I asked him if he would be willing to send me the rest of my dress up stuff. I know that I have a lot here. I could make most little girls envious of my awesome dress up stuff.(My mom always told me that dress up didn’t have an age cap. I am so glad for that.) I just want to have my wigs and hats and the rest of my dresses and coats.

Dedra called me last night to tell me that my Uncle Steve was going to for open heart surgery this morning at 7am. My first thought when she said that was that my grandpa couldn’t handle losing another kid. That would kill him. Dedra called me at work this morning letting me know that everything went well. I was so relieved. I can bet that Marla and their kids are also relieved. There has been too much death in our family in the last few years. I think we need a break. Now that I say that watch as everyone around me drops like flies. RUDE!

While I was at work today I was thinking about the things that I wanted to tell Spencer when I got home. I used to email or text with him throughout the day. His vision started getting really bad a couple of weeks ago. Then in the last week he hasn’t even been able to even used his phone. He doesn’t understand enough to read or respond. The last text I got was on the first. It makes me sad. At the same time it’s kind of a blessing. He and I would text ALL day until one of us fell asleep. Not being able to text or call him now will make it slightly easier when I can’t even pretend to call or text him.

Don’t you love how the randomness of this blog post. I feel like a scatterbrain today. I wonder if that is the meds they have me on… Maybe it’s just that I am a random person. Blah.

I rode my bike home today. It’s hot. Did you know that? I don’t like how gross I feel when I get home when it’s that hot. I then am scared that I stink when I get to Spencer’s. He tells me I don’t stink. Haha. He’s nice.

I like that I was able to spend my evening with him. I sure love him. It’s hard to sit there and not be able to do anything to help him. I tell him how smart he is. He hates that he feels so stupid. He has always been an intellectual. Reading, music, science, math all of these things have come easy to him. He has enjoyed them. After his first surgery he couldn’t understand like he used to. Then now, he is really struggling. I wish I could just take this from him.

When I got to his house he was laying in the study. I told him that I love him. He asked what that was. I don’t think I have ever wanted to cry more in my life. I explained what I meant. He was quiet for a minute and then said he loves me too. I did cry when I got home over that. He is slipping away piece by piece and there is nothing anyone can do about it.

I sat with him. Trying to talk with him about his day. There was much he couldn’t recall. When he went upstairs for the night is when I came home.

I remember my mom talking to my aunt Sherla when I was little. Sherla was really sick. She was dying of cancer also. Sherla said how we should stop praying for her to get better. That she wanted to be released from this life. She was ready to go home. Every time I see Spencer I think of this. I think how I am not ready to say goodbye. I know his family isn’t ready either. I also know that he is suffering. I wish I knew what to do. I wish I could just talk to my mom. She is ruining my life by not being alive. I hope Spencer remembers to tell her that when he dies. He said he would try. I want Spencer to not be suffering anymore. I also want him to miraculously get better. That we can have babies and grow old together… Funny how I’m pretty sure that mom will be seeing him before too long. That sucks. At least Mom will get to meet him. I’m pretty sure they’ll like each other.



July 11, 2012

James and Julia from work came over this morning. I cut James’ hair. Julia wanted pancakes and so we had a party. It was really fun. I’ve not been able to laugh that hard in a long time. It was good.

I gave everyone the boot at 11:30. I’s told Spencer that I’d come over at noon and I didn’t want to be late. I was able to get there at 11:45.

He was laying in the study on the couch. He was really tired. He didn’t know what was going on. After I explained what he was doing and that I was going to just be sitting by him things were okay. He slept until 2 when it was time for his meds and lunch. He will only eat as long as someone is eating with him. I had lunch with him but I wasn’t hungry. I was sneaky and put food on his plate when he wasn’t looking. He needs the calories more than I do anyway. He’s gotten so skinny. We sat outside for a few minutes but he decided it was too hot.

He went back to laying on the couch with his feet in my lap. We took a nap for about an hour like that. When we woke up we watched the Tour De France with Sam. It was a lot more interesting that I thought it would be. We watched the 9th leg of the race. It was intense and stressful. It was really neat. I also now understand why Sam wants to have the white Jersey with the red pokie dotes.

We had dinner around 6:45. After dinner the kids, Spencer and I sat at the table still talking. It’s good for him to visit some. I left around 8 after he took his meds. I wasn’t able to sleep last night. He was going to go to bed also. He was tired from the day’s adventures.

There is a song by Janice Kapp Perry called “The Test” This song always made me get teary eyed. Then when my Mom died it was one that made me cry. Now with Spencer… Let us just say that I am a mess when I listen to it. Again I wish I was smart enough to post a link or something like that. Here are the lyrics.

THE TEST

Tell me friend, why are you blind?
Why doesn’t he who works the miracles send light into your eyes?
Tell me friend, if you understand, why doesn’t He with power to raise
the dead just make you whole again?
It would be so easy for Him.
I watch you and in sorrow and question why.
And you my friend in perfect faith reply.

Didn’t He say, He sent us to be tested?
Didn’t He say, the way would not be sure?
But didn’t he say we could live with him forever more,
well and whole, if we but patiently endure.
After the trial, we will be blessed,
but this life is the test.

Tell me friend, I see your pain.
Why when you pray in faith for healing,
does the crippling thorn remain?
Help me see, if you understand, why doesn’t he who healed

the lame man come with healing in his wings.
It would be so easy for Him.
I watch you and in sorrow question why?
And you my friend, in perfect faith reply.

Didn’t He say, He sent us to be tested?
Didn’t He say, the way would not be sure?
But didn’t he say we could live with him forever more
well and whole, if we but patiently endure.
After the trial, we will be blessed,
but this life is the test.

Tell me now, why must you die?
Why must your loved ones stand with empty arms,
and ask the question why?
Help me know, so I can go on.
How when your love and faith sustained me, can the precious gift be gone?
From the depths of sorrow I cry, though pains of grief within my soul arrive.
The whisperings of the Spirit still my cry.


Didn’t He say, He sent us to be tested?
Didn’t He say, the way would not be sure?
But didn’t he say we could live with him forever more,
well and whole, if we but patiently endure.
After the trial, we will be blessed,
but this life is the test.

I have enjoyed writing my blog posts like a journal for you. I should start posting every day. I’ll work on that.

It's Monday again

Today is Courtney’s birthday. She is 15. That’s nuts to me. I remember when Heather said she was pregnant.

I woke Courtney up at 9:30 this morning. I made her get packed and dressed. Once we were ready to go we went to lunch. I took her to Brick Oven for her birthday. We ate until we were sick. It was really fun.

We were able to get Courtney to EFY without any trouble. She is where Alexa was last year. Alexa was where Courtney was. Haha

I got to work at 12:50. I didn’t need to be here until 2. I’m glad I won't be missing as many hours as I could have missed. I’ll be working through my lunches this week to make up the hours today. Might stay until 5 also. Just until I get the time made up.

At work this is our Inbound week. It’s still busy but so much less stress. James was entertaining us with his impressions of gay snakes. I’m pretty sure that someone peed their pants. It was so funny! I wish I was smart enough to put a video on my blog from my iPod. It was so good. I may have to have a special blog post about the randomness that is my job.

My bike wanted to have a sleep over at work with all its bike friends. Andrea took my home today. It was so hot and I didn’t really feel like riding it home. Plus sleep overs are fun every so often. :)

I was able to spend my evening with Spencer. I love him so much.

We went up the canyon tonight for a birthday party. Joe turned 50. We all ate dinner and visited. It was a good turn out. I'm glad we got to go. It was also nice for Spencer to have an outing. Everyone was excited to see Spencer. It was really nice.

After dinner we came back to Spencer's house. He was tired and needed to rest. He was getting disoriented.

Calli said he'd had a hard morning. That he couldn't think at all. As the day went on he could. She said its been coming in waves. Some deeper than others.

With all that he hash been going through he'll still tell me no when I want to take a picture. You'd think he'd lighten up a bit about that.

I headed home around 9. Yet another day without a picture of us... :(

Over all it was a good evening. I was able to get a picture of the family at the birthday party. It's kind of dark but it's better than nothing.

Catch up

July 6, 2012

Work today was interesting…

I talked to Norm. Norm has been so awesome. He Has been so understanding about the situation that is at hand.

I felt sick this morning. I haven’t been able to really shake the blah feeling. I’m hoping it will pass soon.

My Idea I submitted to the idea board at work is now being voted on. I hope it gets approved. If it does then I will get a $100 bonus. I would like to have an extra $100.

I got my schedule all figured out for when Courtney is here next week. I am glad for that. The Monday that I take her home is going to be an interesting day. I have to work until 1 that day.

July 7, 2012

Work was good. I was done by 4:30. Josh a supervisor dressed up like a super hero because we save lives. He's a dork.

I spent from 5-7 with Spencer. He was in the kitchen on a couch with his feet propped up on a chair. It was a sweet set up!

We visited for a bit and held hands. I was only there for a short time and he was tired.

Andrea took me to go get Courtney. I like Andrea. She's good people. When we got back to Provo we had treats and watched a movie.

July 8, 2012

Courtney and I slept in. She slept in longer than I did. Haha

After church we went to dinner at Spencer's house. He was laying on the couch. It's nice to see him outside of his bedroom. The stairs are getting harder for him. He has been down stairs the last couple of days.

Dinner was really good. It was fun to visit and laugh with everyone. After dinner we all watched "The Importance of Being Earnest". That is such a funny movie. I really like it. It's one of Spencer's favorites.

Courtney and I came home around 6:30 to prepare for tomorrow. She is going to EFY tomorrow. Yay!

I will leave you with pictures of silliness and what not.

1 day that felt like 10

Today started out to be a good day. I rode my bike to work. Made it there in record time. I got a blog invite. Haha Dedra. I'm part of a club that you're not. It's called the cool kid club. This makes me Dad's favorite.

Then everything changed... Because I'm mental.

I had a melt down at work today. I had my head down on my desk. Norm asked how I was doing. I didn't know it was Norm. I responded with "Uncle Skip died last night. My boyfriend is dying of brain cancer. I'd love to talk about this with my Mom but she's dead too." I started to cry. I tried not to but I wasn't succeeding. Norm asked Julia what he could do. She said to send me home. Let me be with Spencer. No joke, 5 minutes later Norm and Josh told me to go home and be with my "husband". It was very nice of them. (Uncle Skip is my friend Rachael's dad. He passed last night with no warning. He had a blood clot that no one knew about.)

I went to the clinic at Vivint. The doctor gave me a prescription for crazy pills. My friend Tully works at the Walgreens pharmacy. He got me my $25 prescription for $10. It was nice of him.

It was raining so Julia gave me a ride home. It was very kind of her.

I spent the afternoon / evening at Spencer's house. He is really slipping. It makes me so sad. He keeps saying that he feels stupid. He will ask why he can't think. He asks what's going on or what we're doing all the time. I think I told him "You aren't stupid the Vance has just spread." or "The cancer is deep in your brain. That's why you can't think." maybe 20 times. I finally started telling him "This will pass. You will soon have a perfect knowledge. Then you'll be able to think." he would ask when. All I could say to him was "Soon" before I started crying.

Sam saw some stupid people shooting a hand gun out their car window up the canyon this afternoon. Calli told him to get home now and they called 911 to let the police know what happened right when Sam called her. The stress of that made Calli cry. It was hard. Spencer not knowing what was going on asked what he did to make her cry. What he needed to do to make it better. He is so kind and sweet. He didn't understand that it wasn't him. We told him many times that it was something different. He kept saying he was sorry.

After dinner and his evening meds I came home. I took my own meds and wrote in my journal. Now that this post is done I am going to head off to bed. Until tomorrow.

This day is ready to be over and I am ready to let it but before I do. I am going to share with you the last picture Spencer drew for me in Drawsome. The word is Wreck.

Happy 4th of July

Spencer asked Calli to call me this morning about breakfast. He's sweet. She made an awesome breakfast! It was thick slices of French toast, bacon, sliced strawberries, juicy blueberries and whipped cream she whipped herself. It was pretty much amazing.

After breakfast Stephen's sister Debbie and brother James came over. James told me he is in Uncle Steve and Aunt Marla's ward in Washington. Marla read my blog and pieced things together. I thought that was cool.

James talked Russian with Mati. He also brought a couple of books for the family. It was nice of him. It was a good visit. Spencer took a couple of pictures with James and his son.

Spencer is so frustrated with the tumor making it hard to think. It's brought him to tears a couple of times today. The knowledge is there. He knows it. The tumor has just grown so much that its severing the links. The dots just aren't connecting like they should. It's growing fast again too. He's been off pain meds for so long and the last week or two he's been having them again.

He will stare off into space sometimes. I ask what he's looking at. He says he doesn't know. I wonder if the vail is starting to thin yet.

We had a BBQ for lunch/dinner. I came home around 1:30 so I could make a potato salad to go with. I don't like traditional potato salad. I make mine more like a baked potato. I like it. I also liked that I was able to help contribute to the BBQ.

The Hales family had been so gracious about me always being there. They always have a place for me during meal times. They are all very kind to me. I try to help in ways that I can. I just don't know what to do.

After the BBQ I took everyone who was going to the stadium of fire to the stadium. When I got back Jason and Maryann were there. We all visited for a bit before they left.

I cut Spencer's hair. I hope that helps him feel cooler. This weather has been awful. I think Spencer's hair has gotten thinner. When I cut it I thought i'd put on the wrong blade. I hadn't. It looked shorter than normal. Thinner hair would do that. I could also be on crack. Who knows.

I was able to get a couple of pictures of Spencer and I. This is our last holiday together. That is unreal to me.

He really is slipping fast. I could tell a difference between yesterday and today. I fear tomorrow.

Last year at this time he helped me move into my apartment. It's amazing how much things can change in a year. 525,600 minutes gone in a flash.

Happy 4th of July Everyone.

July 3, 2012

*** Warning***
I will be venting for a few seconds.

Do you know what makes me crazy? Baby talk! It's not cute when you are talking to a child like that. It only teaches them to not know how to speak. It INFURIATES me when an adult will talk like that to another adult.
What are we doing?
Eating a nummy num breakfast. Lots of yummy bites.

That isn't even okay to say to a toddler! Arg! I know I shouldn't be frustrated. I know we should "become like unto a child" but seriously, that doesn't mean we need to be treated like a child.

***Venting over. We may now have normal blog post***

July 3, 2012

I "cleaned" my house. I really only made it half was presentable. I struggle with keeping up with my mess lately. It's nothing bad. I just have zero motivation to clean. I am also hardly ever home. If I'm not at work, I'm at Spencer's. If I'm not either place I'm sleeping.

I headed to Spencer's around 12:30. I was tired. He rested for most of the day. I sat next to him. I held his hand. We talked.

When I would shift positions and move my hand he would reach for me. He was so tired most of the day he couldn't hardly open his eyes. If he couldn't find my hand he would start to panic and call my name. That always broke my heart. I told him I wasn't going anywhere. He smiled and said "good"

If I got up to use the restroom, I would have to explain it several times before I got up. I just stopped drinking water. It wasn't worth it.

When lunch wasn't brought for me too Spencer asked What about Gina? Calli didnt know a was there yet. It wasnt a big deal. Plus, I'd already eaten. After explaining that he wanted to make sure that I was invited for dinner today and lunch tomorrow. He is so sweet. He keeps trying to take care of me.

After his mom went back down stairs He said in such a sad and concerned voice that even writing this makes me cry. "Gina, I just want you to be happy." He makes me happy. He has always made me happy. I'm not ready for the end yet. Every time he will squeeze my hand or smile at me I want to cry. I wish he would have just married me. He has changed my life. I struggle with not having him for eternity. He's my match and I don't get to keep him.

He told me he would call me for breakfast. He wanted to make sure I would he there. I got home around 9:30.

Me + Spencer = 716

So I'm bad at math. Haha that shouldn't be a shock to anyone. I like 716 better.

Yesterday after work I called Spencer to see how his day was. He'd been resting most of the day. He asked if I was home and if I was coming to dinner. If he extends the invitation I will always except.

Dinner was delightful. It was really fun to spend time with his family.

After dinner Britny came over. It was fun to see her. Every one sat around talking for a while. Mati told stories from Russia. Britny told stories about her piano students and different roommates. She said how she likes Michigan. They played Apples to Apples also. Spencer and I watched.

Apples to Apples is a funny game in the right group. Everyone was laughing and being silly. It was fun. I am glad I was able to be there.

Like the gentleman he is, Spencer walked me to the door. I was home by 8:50. The worst part of my day is when I have to say good night to Spencer. More times than not It’s all I can do not to cry. I wish I could sleep on his bedroom floor and hold his hand.

Spencer called me a little after 10pm to say good night. I love being able to end my day talking him. He makes me happy.

Today I started my week of 10 hour days. I don’t mind 10 hour shifts. I don’t love them though. I am looking forward to having Tuesday and Wednesday off. I will get to have all of both days with him. I love that! I am excited.

Norm is the new kid at work. He is also the head of both monitoring departments. He is the major big wig. I heart him mucho. Monitoring just won some award for outstanding customer service and prompt response time and some other stuff. We are the best of the best in the alarm company world. Whatever… I didn’t realize it was anything special until he comes in with this HUGE trophy. I asked him if he was going to fill it full of candy for us. He said no and laughed. He told me I could rub it if I wanted. I said I’d rather have candy. As I was leaving for break I was telling everyone that Norm was going to fill this huge trophy with candy for us. I made it sound like it was his idea and by the time I got back from break everyone was so excited and thanking Norm. Norm told me I was manipulative. I’m pretty sure that we are getting candy. Muhahaha!

I was only able to see Spencer for a few hours today. He is having a really hard time thinking. He was frustrated. It makes me sad to watch him slip away like he is. I miss him so much and he is sitting right next to me.

I was able to sit with him at the table. We talked a little bit. I like when we get to talk. I sat next to him during fhe. Stephen talked about the plan of salvation.

I was home by 10:20 ish. I'm tired.